And no matter how hard I try to explain, nobody understands how I can be in a relationship filled with so much love and hate at the same time.
We’ve only spent a couple of years together, yet I’ve grown to love you so much that I’m also filled with hate. I hate you for all that you are and all that you are not. You are a massive head fuck; breathtaking beautiful, interesting, diverse, gorgeous, magnificent, dark, infected and complicated all at the very same time. It’s impossible to understand you and I am sad and I am tired. So fucking tired. You’ve slowly been sucking away my energy and you’ve left me outraged. There have been and still are many times that I am fearing for my freedom and for my own life.
Yes, I exaggerate, but not that much.
I never know what to expect from you and I can’t take it anymore. You consumed me, swallowed me, pushed me away, pulled me back, broke me, over and over again, and you’ve let me experience the most horrible and the most frightening things in my life. You took so much from me. You made me scared, left alone, sad and angry. At many times I seriously felt so depressed that I thought I couldn’t handle life anymore. Yet, those moments were the best life lessons I have ever had and probably will ever have. Because every time you wronged me and every time you broke me, you gave me power in return. Power to get up and pull myself together. Power to be stronger, better and wiser than before. And so I became nuanced, flexible and above all so much stronger than I ever was. I’ve learned to reflect on life and to be a better version of myself. You have showed me beauty, patience and kindness, but also quite some important things in life. And you’ve taught me to be satisfied and appreciate the things I have, how little they might be. I don’t worry about silly things anymore and try to enjoy life to the fullest and make the most of it. Because every day can be the end of it.
But my relationship with you is as if I am locked up in a box of glass while everyone around me is watching how I am running out of air. Because nobody gets me. No matter how hard I try to explain, nobody understands how I can be in a relationship filled with so much love and hate at the same time. For most people it is so easy to stay in their comfort zones. They have lives filled with freedom, luxury and most importantly peace. Why would one give that up for a life so unpredictable, filled with so many difficulties and polar opposites? I know it’s impossible for others to understand unless they got to know you the way I did. They know how it is to feel misunderstood and misrepresented, to be fearing for their lives and even to hate humanity. They have gone through the same torturous moments as I and yet they it are those very same people who hate and still love you the same way as I do. They understand it when I say that you are addictive and that I love to play your game. They get the same feeling that I get when I speak about your breathtaking silhouettes or the days that I felt so lucky to be able to be with you, because you are just so damn beautiful. And even though I haven’t be lucky enough and it wouldn’t even be possible to meet all those people, I know that we all share the same memories, and that we are bonded for life. And I wish all of those people who are still with you and who are still to come the very best. I hope that they can love you the way I do and I hope that they can learn as much from you as I did.
Dear Istanbul, you are chaos, madness and a pure mess. But you’re unique in every way. You’ve been a great teacher, friend and lover. Yet, for me this is the end. And even though I am the one to end our relationship, I have to force myself to leave you and say goodbye. It’s seriously mind fucking. It breaks my heart to leave you and I’ve been writing this whole letter with tears in my eyes. Because I am going to miss you. So fucking much. And I know my journey is going to be hard, but I’m dying to go and leave you behind. I’ve become a new person, yet I’ve not met this new version of myself. I know everything is going to be just perfectly fine and I thank you for that. I thank you for everything. I thank you for your hospitality and warmth and all the things I’ve learned. I thank you for all that I’ve experienced, for everyone I’ve met and for everything you gave me.